Reasons We Can't Be Friends...

There are a few teams who I simply despise and whose fans I simply loathe. If you happen to fancy any combination of two or more of these teams, I'm going to tell you up front, it's just not going to work. If you like one of these teams, I can work with you. It's when we get above one that I lose my patience and will apoligize in advance for making jabs at your morals. Here goes...(in no specific order)

Ohio State Football
Duke Basketball
New York Yankees
Dallas Cowboys 

(If you don't already feel nauseous after just reading those four names that closely together, we're off to a rough start)

The Buckeyes

First things first, your team is named after the nut from a Buckeye tree. I could stop here if I wanted to. Now, to give myself some relative credibility, I went to college in Ohio at another D1 school - Ohio University. A few quick facts about OU - located in Athens, OH, the Bobcats play in the Mid-American Conference, voted #2 party school in the country in 2010 - my senior year (coincidence?). Back to the hellhole in Columbus...
I do not have a problem with Jim Tressel. I personally love sweater vests. I think he's probably a pretty down-to-earth dude off the field. And you know what, the more I think about it, I don't even really have anything against the football players themselves, either. Ohio State Football FANS are what truly make my blood pressure rise and take my language on an all-expense paid trip to expletive town. These people are deprived of an NFL team so they literally base their entire existence on Saturdays in the fall. It's as if nothing else of importance exists, let alone another college football team. Now, mind you, I went to school at Ohio who happened to play in Columbus at the Horseshoe in the fall of 2008 (and held a lead going into the 4th quarter). I kid you not; my fellow classmates at OU were strolling around campus in scarlet and gray. These Buckeye fanatics had the nerve to cheer for their team when they were playing against our own university - BLASPHEMY.

The Dukies


If I was a spoiled, Caucasian male, who was served my entire childhood on a golden platter, I might view Duke Basketball differently. But I'm not. If I longed for feelings of grandeur and self-entitlement, I would have sent a recruiting tape to Coach K - but I didn't. To make it clear, I think Coach K is a good coach - I think he's ethical and knows how to get the most out of his players. I don't like his demeanor, his whiny antics, or his rat face. I understand your players have gotten every call their entire life and you want that to perpetuate throughout their college career, but if it comes at the expense of your snarling and complaining - I want nothing to do with it. If I had to choose between watching Duke lose or spending an afternoon at the spa - I would choose the spa, and then I would watch Coach K bitch and moan during post-game press conferences on my iPhone while I was getting a pedicure. HEAVEN.

The Yanks

This is a tough one for me to explain. My best friend is a Yankees fan and she sticks to her guns when it comes to me ripping on the pinstripes. The Yankees are classy and they are more of a corporation than a sports team when it really comes down to it. They spend all their money on getting the best talent and creating team after team of All-Stars. I really don't see a reason why a team with this amount of discretionary money doesn't win the World Series every single year. If I were Hal and Hank Steinbrenner, I would consider anything less than a world championship a failure. I don't hate the Yankees because they historically win, I hate them because they don't win near as much as they should. It just goes to show you that money can't buy happiness and that combining excellent players on one team does not always lead to success (I'm praying for you South Beach).



The 'Boys

Seeing as I am an Eagles fan, it goes against my moral code to cheer for those egotistical &*(%&*@# down in Texas. I'd rather play in rush-hour traffic. Aside from my Philly loyalties, I wouldn't choose to cheer for these guys anyway. Jerry Jones is literallly the poster child for 'arrogant pricks'. He will scoop up any player he thinks might have talent regardless of whether or not their criminal record is longer than their career statistcs. Classy. Don't even get me started on when people call the Cowboys 'America's Team'. I'll tell you right now that our founding fathers would not wear stars on their helmets or cheer for the likes of Roy Williams, Wade Phillips, and Dez Bryant. I am literally counting down the days until the Titans release LeGarette Blount, the 'Boys pick him up, and then Tony Romo gets cold-cocked during warm-ups.

Like I said, I can force myself to put up with you if you like ONE of these teams. Any more than that, forget it.

GameTweets from the Jungle

As you may have heard, everyone's favorite Spanish-influenced-numeral receiver recently got fined $25,000 for tweeting prior to and during a preseason game. The league has installed a Twitter rule that forbids players from tweeting 90 minutes prior to kickoff until all media interviews are concluded post-game (I didn't think league rules applied to Chad OchoCinco...?). Chad tweeted during pre-game about catching a ball from Michael Vick and tweeted during the game about a hard hit he took (from an Eagle, I may add...). Now, I understand that these tweets are extremely malicious and threatening, but really, CHILD PLEASE!

I agree that players should not be tweeting during games - If I was Carson Palmer, and I looked over and saw Chad tweeting on the sideline, I would fire a leather rocket right towards his dome, no questions asked. It was also humorous to me that they fined him $25,000 - this is nothing short of a joke. I've done the tedious calculations and I've concluded that $25,000 to OchoCinco is equal to approximately $100 to the average American. Its pocket change. And just like I predicted, OchoCinco couldn't care less about the fine. He tweeted that he was upset that the $25,000 fine cost him two month's payments on his Bugatti. Tough break, Chad, you're going to have to significantly adjust your lifestyle as a result of this fine.

If Chad, God forbid, didn't have a Bugatti car payment to worry about, these are the top 5 things I think he would have spent the $25,000 on....

5) To open a premium account on Match.com because his reality show (The Ultimate Catch) has provided him with nothing more than lust and he's just an honest man looking for true love that lasts.

4)  Money for the strip club so he can 'make it rain' alongside his new teammate, Adam 'PacMan' Jones (no, silly, all $25,000 won't be used at the club, the remaining funds will go towards PacMan's legal fees)

3) Ab implants because, although his are great, they might look inferior next to TO's when they do topless photo shoots together. And then a camera to photograph pictures of his abs so that he can frame and display these photographs around his house.

2) An automatic, limited-edition, personally engraved firearm (birthday gift for teammate, Tank Johnson).

1) A Bugatti to give to Carson Palmer in exchange for a guarantee of at least 60% of his pass attempts (and a promise of no more than 25% in the direction of #81).

Cheers (and Carson, I'm praying for you),

The Ocho